Monday, July 14, 2014

I Super Duper Love when Fringe Mormons Decide to Create Facts for the World

I refer to any guy my mom dates as McSlick (actually I don't call them that, what I call them is crude, so McSlick will do for this post).  Current McSlick is trying to impress my mom for all the wrong reasons, he decided to read a book about the Mormon church so he can tell my mom what she believes, because worthwhile men everywhere know that all women want to be told what they believe.  So over dinner one evening he informs my mom that she shouldn't be drinking Coke.

And that was all I needed to know to know:
1. I would never willingly meet McSlick
2. The book he was reading wasn't about our gospel principles or even our church.  It was a book written by someone who was raised Mormon and therefore is an expert in all things culturally misleading about our church.

Now conclusion #1 may sound harsh, but why clutter my life with someone who educates himself through gossip?   And really that wasn't a new conclusion.

I looked up the author of the book he is reading.  Joanna Brooks.  She is a self proclaimed "Mormon Feminist" which is a newish coined term, if you look it up in a thesaurus you will find that it is synonymous with "Democratic Dictator".
 I have not read any of her books and have read little of her blog, but an individual with serious doctrinal concerns should not be hosting a 'Dear Abby' type column purporting herself an expert on Mormon beliefs.

Teachings come from God to His people, His people do NOT counsel Him.   So either you accept that basic principle or you do not.  The Gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believes that only the Prophet (Amos 3:7) can receive revelation for the entire world, individuals may for themselves and their adolescent children, Bishops for their ward, etc. But only the Prophet may receive revelation for the world.  Either you believe this or you do not.  Its pretty fundamental.  If you believe this, the 'Ordain Women' movement is wrong, if you don't why do you bother?  Why waste energy fighting to change a false organization?

So to Joanna Brooks, Kate Kelly, and any other "Mormon Feminist" claiming their fight is for the progression of Mormon women everywhere, 
                                  PLEASE STOP! 
          Your words and actions are actually just causing  yet another mess for us busy Mormon Moms to clean up.
 The Mean (Mormon)  Mama!

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Surviving Surgery

My "little sister" is going in for surgery today.  She is having a large tumor removed.  Don't worry, it's benign.  But its still huge and cause for concern, so we are coping through joking, I was searching through my repertoire of surgery experience to offer her some original wisdom.

I thought and thought and this is what I came up with.

1. Pre-Op is BORING and you'll be nervous,
2. Even if your room has a TV, nothing worth watching will be playing.
3. If by some act of amazing Karma something good is on, you'll be too nervous to watch it.
4.  Ask for drugs ASAP. Fentanyl is lovely.  You feel all warm and cozy. (I had to google the spelling, shocked that it isn't a ph... word).
5.  Post-Op is weird.  I drifted in and out of consciousness.  I appreciated having a familiar voice answer when I shouted out random concerns.  I thought they were all one continuous coherent conversation, but was told otherwise a few days later.
  (Am I okay?  ...... Did you get it out?.......  Is my baby okay?.....   Am I all done?......  When can I eat?...)

That's it folks!  Deep stuff.  But really, once they give you drugs its the best day ever. You get to walk a mile in the shoes of every street addict, without all the crap that comes with living on the street and having an addiction.

And then today moments before she was to report at the hospital I remembered one more thing.

#6.  Don't pass the pre-surgery pregnancy test!  Especially if you are an 18 year old whose parents are sitting in the room.  It's just bad juju.
    And on that topic, they are gonna ask all sorts of questions about sex, so if there are answers you don't want known, start practicing sarcastic answers now!  You could kick everyone out for this interview, but it would call attention as to why you need privacy.

Question:  How many sexual partners have you had in the last six months?
                Answer:  Start naming boys as you count on your fingers, throw in some gender neutral names just for gits and shiggles.  Stop when reasonably high but don't run out of fingers. 

Random Poll:
     Anyone else start doubting their conviction of not being pregnant after the nurse, doctor, anesthesiologist, and random flower delivery dude interrogate you about the topic?
        Lets see, I haven't had sex in 23 days and I had a baby 21 days ago, you know, I might be pregnant, better take a test just in case.  True story people!


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Open Letter to Drivers of Prius, SmartCar, and other Fuel Efficient Vehicles

I love when I pull into a gas station looking like this:

and the attendant is like,  "dude, your rig gets terrible gas mileage!"

That's right JackA** because we are clearly driving this for the gas mileage!  (actually we are, pretty sure fitting 9 people and all their luggage in 3 good gas mileage cars would be worse)

And then their is the other camp:

Toyota claims, "A Prius for Everyone".
Sorry Toyota,  I love my Sienna, but it isn't a part of the Prius family.  A Prius has a maximum squished seating capacity of 5.  

Most days I drive this:

Apparently it is difficult to grasp the concept as to why I would drive such an environmentally irresponsible and expensive vehicle.  So lets clear things up. 

A picture is worth a thousand words right?  Here are eight.


we could drive 3 and still qualify!

And most importantly there is this.