Wednesday, August 1, 2012

How to speak to a Pregnant Woman

18 weeks, front view (yes, I touched up a few blemishes)

Lets establish a few things first.
1. I am 5'8 and weighed 140lbs when I got pregnant, let me do the math for you, I was a size 4 jeans.
2. I am 18 weeks pregnant with my 5th child and my size 8 jeans are too big for me. 
3. There is a blood clot the size of a twin hanging out in there.
4. Yes, I AM showing, where would you like me to hide this pregnancy?
5. I will weigh less at delivery than you do currently, shall we discuss your size?
6. The average newborn weighs 7.5 lbs, mine weigh 9lbs, translation: I look full term by 36 weeks.
7.  My abdominal muscles literally split apart during a prior pregnancy, there is nothing holding that uterus in place....sorry!

Usually I don't have to establish rules about speaking to me during pregnancy until month 7 or later and it is a concise list of one rule,

any comments made about my size I will assume are in reference to my boobs

profile at 18 weeks
That's it, its simple.  But I have had so many strangers and acquaintances comment on my pregnancy, and then proceed to act shocked that I am already showing so much, that I am addressing the issue now.

So here they are, Rules for addressing me during pregnancy #5
   1.  If I haven't told you I am pregnant, don't assume that I am, it is rude.
   2.  If you break rule #1 or I have told you, the only acceptable responses are:
             A.  Congratulations!  You are an amazing mom, you and your hubby make the cutest babies!
             B.  Wonderful!  I am so happy for you.
             C.  You look great!
             D.  Wow, you are how far along?  I look more pregnant than you!!
   3.  NEVER under any circumstances do you ask if I am sure there aren't TWO in there. 
   4.  If you ask when I am due, trust my answer, I don't have a date, I have an estimate, deal with it.
   5.  If I say I have two months left, responses can be selected from below.
            A.  You look amazing, I thought you had much further to go.
            B.  You look Amazing, when I am pregnant I look like a fat cow.
            C.  You look Amazing, I never would have guessed you were that far along.
            D.  You look AMAZING!  you get the point!
   6.  Never EVER use the word POP when speaking to ANY pregnant woman.

Thank you kindly!
  The Mean Mama

 For your viewing pleasure, this is me, at the hospital, about to deliver a 9lb, 2foot long baby, I acknowledge that I am sticking way out there, but that doesn't make ME huge.   His head was 15.5 inches around and his shoulders 13inches.  If you consult a growth chart, that means, his head was the size of a 2.5 month old, his length a 3 month old, his weight a 3 week old.  So cut me some slack.

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