Saturday, October 27, 2012

Why I am Pro-Life

I realize this is an emotionally charged and highly controversial topic.  Regardless of  your views, people are passionate.  I am not writing to be persuasive, convictions this strong can not be changed by another's opinion, only your personal experience.  I am merely stating why I am Pro-Life.

I decided to write this a few days ago as I drove past the Emergency Room and the feelings that came to me the day I thought I'd lost this baby came flooding back.  They were quickly replaced by the excitement of his impending arrival.

I grew up in a conservative Christian household where life is sacred, so this view point is my nurture, but my conviction is much stronger and like every other choice I have made in the last 13 years, has been made of my own free will. I chose to embrace the beliefs of my upbringing, but I made that decision based on my own study and experience.

I am Pro-Life because my high school biology teacher could not explain how 1 egg, united with 1 sperm, could form both a brain and skin.  Two drastically different cells coming from one cell.  How could a body just form so perfectly without some divine guidance and interference.  There had to be so much more than the basic division of cells.

I am Pro-Life because I experienced the loss of hope when I miscarried my first pregnancy, it was very early, but coupled with the discovery of ovarian cysts shortly after planted a fear in my heart that I would struggle to carry a child.

I am Pro-Life because in my search for  answers as to why this pregnancy had been lost so early I learned that pregnancies conceived within a month or two of when you have stopped taking birth control pills, are often lost, as the uterus is simply not prepared to allow a baby to grow.  I felt responsible, my choice had caused my heartache.

My fear of infertility  was short lived and I gave birth to my first child just 10 months later.  She was beautiful, and perfect, and our marriage became a family.

I am Pro-Life because the same week that my sister called to tell me she was certain her daughter was deaf (my sister was right, but my niece has adapted wonderfully), and an ultrasound showed my second daughter's head size was abnormally large, which could indicate brain deformities.  Would my baby also be born with a disability?  Disabilities in and of themselves are manageable and you love your child as completely you just have to mourn the loss of one vision and embrace a different vision for your child's future. 

Again, my fear was unfounded, DD8 has a big head, but there is nothing wrong with her brain, she is quite brilliant.

I am Pro-Life because my pregnancy with DS6 was so unique from my prior pregnancies.  It made me acutely aware that the lives I had carried within me had the same personalities in life as they did in the womb.

I am Pro-Life because prior to conceiving DS2 I struggled with infertility for a year, turns out it was easily explained, but not easy to live with.  I wanted another baby so badly.  My heart ached for him.  I missed the smell of a newborn, the soft touch of their skin, the precious time spent nursing.  Again I miscarried a few early conceptions...I ached with the potential of what should have been.

I am Pro-Life because following delivery of DS2 I hemorrhaged, severely, it was scary. In my dramatic moments I say I almost died, but in reality, modern medical care prevented me from getting close enough to claim that.  I lost approximately 2 pints of blood, had I been born 50 years sooner, or in a third world country, I would have died.  I was in terrible shape following and I gained a new perspective on the purpose of life.  He was hard to conceive and hard to deliver... those experiences changed my life in ways I can not adequately describe.  But it is precious, and worth fighting for.

I am Pro-Life because I was less than thrilled to find out I was pregnant with #5.  I wanted another baby, but I also wanted to finish my marathon training and feel good for a while before embarking on another 9 months of misery.   I was not ready for another pregnancy, but MY CHOICES had led to pregnancy, therefore I HAD CHOSEN to be pregnant.
I am Pro-Life because I saw my babies heart beating rapidly at my very first OB appointment.    I was only 7 weeks pregnant.

I am Pro-Life because 4 weeks later I hemorrhaged again.  I sat in the ER mourning the loss of this baby.  Pleading with God to let me keep this child even though I had not exactly been an excited participant prior.  The doctor told me what I already knew, I shouldn't expect to keep 'the pregnancy' he distanced us from what was happening by saying pregnancy, not baby.  This helped, as the idea of going home to 'pass' my under-developed 'products of conception' scared the Hell out of me.  What was I supposed to do?  Those products were my baby.  I had seen a beating heart.  I had older children, I knew how pregnancy was supposed to end and this was not it!
I was soon wheeled into an ultra sound room, sobbing and holding my husbands hand the ultrasound tech was quick to spin the screen toward us, there was my baby, bouncing around with his heart still beating.  I was baffled.  How could someone so small cling onto life amid all that bleeding and cramping.  Clearly this 'pregnancy' had a will to survive.

I am Pro-Life because in 8 long weeks I will be holding my 5th baby in my arms.  And though we have yet to meet, I already know that he will be active, gentle, determined, and something deep within me tells me he will fill the void that has been in my heart for the last 4 years.  That he, not Mister is the baby that did not come during my year of infertility.  That he will match DS2 weaknesses with his strengths just as his two older sisters perfectly compliment one another. 

I am Pro-Life because God has sent me 5 amazing children.  Not one has come at a convenient time, but they have each come when they were meant to come.  My girls need each other, DS2 needs a partner in trouble, but somehow DS6 can stand alone in the middle. 

I am Pro-Life because I have fought for Life and that has taught me it is worth fighting for.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Share your story here!