Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Surviving Surgery

My "little sister" is going in for surgery today.  She is having a large tumor removed.  Don't worry, it's benign.  But its still huge and cause for concern, so we are coping through joking, I was searching through my repertoire of surgery experience to offer her some original wisdom.

I thought and thought and this is what I came up with.

1. Pre-Op is BORING and you'll be nervous,
2. Even if your room has a TV, nothing worth watching will be playing.
3. If by some act of amazing Karma something good is on, you'll be too nervous to watch it.
4.  Ask for drugs ASAP. Fentanyl is lovely.  You feel all warm and cozy. (I had to google the spelling, shocked that it isn't a ph... word).
5.  Post-Op is weird.  I drifted in and out of consciousness.  I appreciated having a familiar voice answer when I shouted out random concerns.  I thought they were all one continuous coherent conversation, but was told otherwise a few days later.
  (Am I okay?  ...... Did you get it out?.......  Is my baby okay?.....   Am I all done?......  When can I eat?...)

That's it folks!  Deep stuff.  But really, once they give you drugs its the best day ever. You get to walk a mile in the shoes of every street addict, without all the crap that comes with living on the street and having an addiction.

And then today moments before she was to report at the hospital I remembered one more thing.

#6.  Don't pass the pre-surgery pregnancy test!  Especially if you are an 18 year old whose parents are sitting in the room.  It's just bad juju.
    And on that topic, they are gonna ask all sorts of questions about sex, so if there are answers you don't want known, start practicing sarcastic answers now!  You could kick everyone out for this interview, but it would call attention as to why you need privacy.

Question:  How many sexual partners have you had in the last six months?
                Answer:  Start naming boys as you count on your fingers, throw in some gender neutral names just for gits and shiggles.  Stop when reasonably high but don't run out of fingers. 

Random Poll:
     Anyone else start doubting their conviction of not being pregnant after the nurse, doctor, anesthesiologist, and random flower delivery dude interrogate you about the topic?
        Lets see, I haven't had sex in 23 days and I had a baby 21 days ago, you know, I might be pregnant, better take a test just in case.  True story people!


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