Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I am the adult child of recently divorced parents.

My parents divorce became final this past winter.  They ended a 30+ year marriage.  It's hard to say exactly how many years they were married.  Did it end with the divorce? the separation? or when one partner checked out of the marriage but not the residence?

I suppose a date doesn't really matter.  What matters is the pain and hurt left in the wake of decisions made.

Many couples choose to 'stay married' for the sake of their children, but what they mean is they choose to cohabitate until the kids move out.

Make no mistake.  This option may spare minor children the hassle, frustration, and inconvenience of home hopping, but it does not spare them the hurt or confusion.

I am not sure when my mom realized she was unhappy as a married person.

I found out about her unhappiness and intent to leave my dad shortly after #4 was born.  It was a doozie.  The birth trauma mixed with family drama led to some serious anger and confusion.  I moved into feelings of hatred for the chaos her actions were causing.

The anger became too much for me, I realized it was compromising my ability to patiently and kindly parent my children.  I begged God to remove the anger and hatred from my heart. 
                                                                                                           And He did.
 Because He loves me.

But the hurt, frustration, and confusion are still present. 
I can usually bury them in fun light hearted conversations with my mother about my kids or her work.

But those feelings occasionally rear their ugliness, something will trigger them and they manifest as depression. 

~I see mothers move heaven and earth to be with their daughters for important events,
and I feel envy.

~ I see grandparents who are fully available to their grandchildren, and I want that for my own kids.

~ I have been in homes where the couple is so full of love and respect that the entire atmosphere is one of peace and security to all who enter.  A home (other than their own) where kids are the priority.  And I take advantage by bringing my kids there as often as possible.  Just so they can feel it.

~ I remember she is unaware of the consequences of divorce on a family and I feel rejected.

~ she will make choices that prevent her from spending time with my younger brothers (who live with my dad about 200miles away), and my heart aches for their feelings of rejection.

~ Every time I have to reassure my children that I love their father even if grandma doesn't love grandpa, I feel the full weight of their burden.

~ I crave love from an emotionally available mother.

adult children,
understand what is being
thrown away and mourn for the
loss of what was and what could have been.
Unmarried adult children will struggle when
 forming meaningful relationships and making commitments.

Young children are more directly affected by divorce.  Their living situation is greatly
 altered, often times they are virtually abandoned by one parent or juggled between the two with no real home.
Sadly, each individual will likely experience any level above them on the pyramid.

 Regardless of age, children will always suffer when parents divorce.
Yesterday a trigger was pulled. 
Today, try as I may, I can not shake the feelings of
vulnerability, abandonment, and frustration.
it hurts.



  1. This was very touching! Thank you so much for so candidly sharing how this is affecting you and your family. I hope this can serve as a reminder that it takes constant work and faith to make a marriage work and that it truly affects everyone. "Every time I have to reassure my children that I love their father even if grandma doesn't love grandpa, I feel the full weight of their burden." I cried when I read that. I hope that your mother will in time allow herself to be healed and be emotionally available to you and your children, and that you in turn can be healed as well.

  2. Thank you for your kind words and hopes. Our relationship continues to improve, and I am so grateful for her.


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